So there’s this guy. We were on they same team for a church thing two summers ago, and we hated each other but at the same time I kind of had a bit of a crush on him. But I had met someone else earlier that summer, so I was preoccupied with that and stuff. Anyways, after the summer we were actually friends, which was nice :) So about April or March I guess of the next year I started to like him again. A lot. But didn’t talk about it, didn’t tell anyone about it, just tried to push it down. Which, as we all know, generally doesn’t work. So this kind of went on for a while, and just when I would start to think there might be something between us, I would realize that there really wasn’t and it was stupid to keep thinking about it.
So now it’s been like a year since then, and up until now I’ve managed to push it far enough down to where I don’t consider myself to have a crush on him at all. Thought I was doing pretty good.
But.
Then.
I talked to him very briefly this Sunday at church, and then he messaged me tonight (Tuesday) on Facebook, completely out of the blue. It wasn’t anything special really, just saying hi. But he did say that he “hates it” that we don’t talk anymore. Which, despite every warning from my mind, my heart still perked up at.
Cause here’s the thing; even though we never actually dated or anything remotely close to it, I still got very emotionally attached at one point, and when I finally realized that nothing was going to come of it, it hurt. And so I put up a wall. A wall that wasn’t supposed to come down. Yet I can already feel it crumbling and that honestly terrifies me.
Whenever I’m around him, I totally lose my cool and lose control of what I’m saying. Any other time, I usually think out what I’m going to say before I say it, but with him it just goes out the window. Even on Twitter, which is stupid because I’m not even talking to him face to face.
I just keep on saying dumb things that I sorely regret afterwards and it really sucks :/
The single event that will bring about the destruction of the internet will be the casting of Augustus Waters
ah yes, the 90s. i have fond memories of that decade. crying, pooping my pants every day, wearing diapers, being bald, being a baby. that was the high life.
so other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the play
You know that moment? That moment when you realize that that one person is never going to like you back. That person who you’re pretty sure you have feelings for, but you’re not sure because you can’t know for sure until it’s reciprocated. Because that’s how love works; you develop feelings for someone, but you’re not entirely sure of the extent of those feelings returned by that person.
Maybe it doesn’t work this way for everyone, but it seems to for me. With B (that’s what I’ll call him), there wasn’t all that much physical , attraction at first, I mean, it was definitely there, but it wasn’t until a), I got to know him better, and b), I found that he felt the same way. And it was wonderful, but also very complicated; I won’t go into all that.
So bottom line is, I still really like B, Nd as far as I know he still likes me too, but we’re not really in each other’s lives anymore. So then Y comes along. And at first there was this huge wave of attraction, which was weird because I didn’t think he was all that physically attractive, and I didn’t know him well enough to judge by his personality/character. Well I do know him now, a lot better actually, he’s one of my really good friends. (On a side note, I’m also attracted to him physically now, he just has a really nice face. And smile. Definitely the smile). Anyways, were pretty good friends, but I’m almost positive that’s where it’s going to end. For one thing, there are several other girls that I know of that he knows a lot better than he knows me. And second, from what I gather, I’m not really his “type”. Which is maybe a stupid thing to say. But whatevs.
ANYWAYS, I’ve come to realize this, and so now I’m working on accepting it. If only J had worked out; if only he lived closer or I could see him on a regular basis, then this wouldn’t be so incredibly painful.
Also, On My Own from Les Miserables is becoming like my anthem during all this. Especially that line “Without me, his world will go on turning.”
UGHH I HATE BOYS
